| Aries |
You
are optimistic and rarely remain sad for long. Most
Aries are born with some level of mental retardation.
You love routine and feel good when you finish first.
If male your sexual partners think you suck in bed.
If female your sexual partners wished you did. |
| Leo |
You
are the king, the lion, and a leader of men. You are
a fucking bully. Male Leos die a horrifying death
after their high school classmates discover where
they live. You scream like the real pussy you are
when they wrap chicken wire around your dick and slice
off the little skin bubbles with a sharp knife and
poor rubbing alcohol over the wounds. Female Leos
are stone cold bitches and frigid in bed. |
| Pisces |
You
flow through life in a graceful way. You love music,
poetry and "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy."
People think you are queer but you really just love
music, poetry, and like to masturbate while watching
TV shows that have homosexuals in them. You will never
marry or have real sex. |
| Sagittarius |
You
are the Centaur. The imaginary creature that is half
man and half horse.All your co-workers agree you are
a horse's ass and your girlfriend wishes you were
hung like one. All male Sagittarians have tiny dicks.
All females Sagittarians have vaginas large enough
to harbor a boat over the winter in. |
| Capricorn |
The
most important thing to a Capricorn is achievement.
Your inner determination to succeed means you are
the perfect son-of-a-bitch.You take life seriously
and would fuck your own mother over if it means getting
to the top. Capricorns are usually murdered in their
sleep by family members. |
| Scorpio |
The
scorpion is a solitary little animal that likes to
hide under stones.Most people wish you would crawl
back under it because you lie a great deal and cannot
be trusted. You are a thieving prick. Scorpios are
easy to spot in some countries, they only have one
hand. |
| Libra |
The
scales. You need equal amounts of everything in your
life to be happy. Usually Libra people are well liked
because they are charming and happy drunks that will
buy all the drinks at the bar. You must have balance.
Too much scotch in your water and the decision-making
skills are pissed down the drain. That is why you
always bang the ugly fat chicks. But, you don't give
a shit, you're getting laid. Balance and harmony,
right. |
| Cancer |
The
crab cannot hurt you with its claw, however it can
hang very tightly to something it wants. You want
to be needed, and it is important to you to be around
those that love you. Female Cancerians stalk ex boyfriends.
Male Cancerians stalk ex girlfriends. Why don't you
psycho bitches and bastards from hell just date each
other and leave us normal people to fuck in peace. |
| Gemini |
You
are the twins. Some call you schizoid, but you know
that voice in your head urging you to screw your neighbor's
cat is not a psychotic mental illness giving you a
twisted view of the real world, it's just your other
half wanting pussy. You are always intrigued when
people tell you to go fuck yourself. |
| Taurus |
You
are stubborn and persistent. You are vain and hot
tempered. Your arrogance is sickening. You have delusion
of sexual prowess. You're life would be complete if
only your buddies would forget about that little episode
with the gerbil and toilet paper roll. Females Taurus's
are not allowed by law to hold high government positions.
The nuclear threat would be too great once a month. |
| Aquarius |
Aquarians
are often humanitarians. You believe everyone is your
friend, whether they are black or white, rich or poor.
This makes you a sucker and frequent crime victim.
Gadgets and inventions fascinate you. Aquarians keep
the Home Shopping Network and Infomercials a growing
business. |
| Virgo |
You
always have somewhere to go, and that place is always
on the way to somewhere else. Be it jail, preliminary
hearing, arraignment or just checking in with your
parole officer, you love meeting new people. Your
Mother wishes you would move out. Your Father wishes
he had gotten that DNA test his best man suggested
before the wedding. |
